The Dragons Gate

Naruto World Facts of Life

Disclaimer: No money made, spent, or rolled in naked.

Warning: There will be humor, angst, gen, shounen ai, knitting, death, kissing and the kitchen sink.

Notes: If you’ve been in any fandom long enough, you begin to encounter a whole slew of conventions that can be found in hundred of fanfics. This is really just me poking fun at them and exploring some other ideas of my own.

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1) Honestly, Zabuza never needed to actually rape Haku.

“Haku, roll over,” Zabuza said, kneeling on the edge of the younger boy’s bedroll.

Haku did so before his eyes had finished opening, elbows tucking up under his chest. He turned his head to look over his shoulder as Zabuza’s hands went to the top of Haku’s hakama.

“Zabuza-san,” he said, blinking the sleep-blur out of his eyes, “I’d rather not.” They were going to be walking a long way tomorrow and he would hate to be hindered on the journey.

“I’ll be quick,” Zabuza assured him bluntly, hands sliding under the fabric to ease it down. Which meant that he would be, if not gentle, at least careful. He didn’t want his favorite tool to be handicapped anymore than Haku did. A weapon was useless if it couldn’t work properly.

Haku smiled at the unvoiced reassurance and obediently lifted his hips.

2) Neji is not that hard up. And even if he was, I’m sure Lee would be more likely to console him than bend over.

Lee was startled, to say the least, when instead of striking him in the chest like he’d expected, Neji grabbed the front of his spandex and dragged him into a very deep kiss.

It took a moment for Lee to realize, that yes he was being kissed, upon which he slammed both hands into Neji’s chest to break the contact. Neji stumbled back and quickly recovered his guard, expression a strange mix of anger, embarrassment, and doubt.

They regarded each other silently for a long while. Neji’s face twisted up in such away that Lee wondered if he was suffering from constipation.

Understanding clicked.

“Ah!” Lee exclaimed. His face became serious. “Neji, I understand that there are strong feelings associated with being my rival! However, my very heart and soul are devoted to the sweet Sakura-chan–“

“Lee.”

“–so I can’t return your feelings to you. But know that I am both flattered and overjoyed to be the receptor of your first love and–“

“Lee,” Neji said somewhat desperately, looking more horrified than anything else right now. Lee didn’t let him continue, knowing he would try to deny his emotions.

“–it is so wonderful that you have opened your heart to your youthful passions!” Lee clenched his fist, moved to tears by Neji’s heartbreaking situation. “I shall hold this moment in my memory forever!”

“…oh god.”

3) As much as we might wish it otherwise, they are only twelve.

Sasuke grabbed Naruto around the chest and wrestled him to the ground, the other boy shouting and fighting him all the way down. Soon he had Naruto pinned, hands trapped above his head as Sasuke straddled his hips.

“Ha!” he shouted triumphantly into the blonde’s face. Naruto scowled furiously, when his expression abruptly cleared.

An evil grin spread across his mouth. “Heeeeey, Sasukeee”

Sasuke turned bright red; suddenly realizing what their position let Naruto feel. “Shut up!” he yelled, jumping to his feet.

“Aww, Sasuke, did I make you happy?” Naruto laughed wildly, clutching at his stomach.

“Shut up, it just happens sometimes!” Sasuke said furiously, blushing so hard the tips of his ears were pink.

He was never going to live this down.

4) Gai-sensei can make anything seem manly.

Kakashi stared down at the colorful mass of yarn that had been lovingly made into something blanket-like in origin.

“…knitting?” Kakashi asked mildly, tracing the looping patterns of green and blue wool with his gaze.

Gai drew himself up with a frown. “Not at all! This is crochet!” He grinned proudly at the construction.

Kakashi’s eye slowly traveled from the fruits of Gai’s labor to the jounin himself. “…really?”

“Oh yes. Requires much greater dexterity of the fingers,” he said, holding up his strong, nimble hands, “I was thinking of giving this to Lee for a New Year’s present when it’s done.”

“Ah.”

Kakashi continued to stare at him. Gai looked slightly miffed at the scrutiny. “What?” A possibility occurred to him. “Ah-hah! Is it true then, my eternal rival, that you are jealous of homemaking skills? There is no way you can compete with the speed and accuracy of my crochet hook!”

He pointed a dramatic finger at Kakashi’s face. The other man looked at it, then at the blanket, and finally back at Gai.

“…knitting?”

“AAAAHH!!”

5) Ninja do not cry. Except when they do.

The insistent pounding at his door wouldn’t go away. It was only in hopes of restoring his shattered quiet that Kakashi dragged himself off the couch to answer it. He did not want to deal with anything right now, least of all another well-wisher.

His plan to open it only half-way and stare dully at the person on the other side was ruined when Gai flung the wooden barrier aside and enfolded Kakashi in a massive bear hug. And proceeded to howl like a dog whose tail had been stepped on.

Kakashi went rigid in the hold but didn’t try to fight it off. “I take it you heard about my team.”

Gai sobbed harder and nodded against his rapidly dampening shoulder. Kakashi sighed. Several moments passed.

“Must you cry on me?”

“Yes!” Gai proclaimed, jerking back enough so Kakashi could see his tear stained face, “Because you aren’t going to!” The older jounin didn’t wait for a response to that, drawing him back into his supportive and manly embrace.

And Kakashi let him.

6) There are reasons for why a ninja would kill herself–

Tenten screamed with a voice gone hoarse as the white hot metal touched the mangled flesh of her inner thigh. Her whole body was a mass of burning agony; she had lost two fingers that, she suspected, had been sent back to Konoha in separate boxes.

A hand grabbed her hair, pulling her head back as the poker was removed. “You could end this at any time, you know,” the one holding her hair said persuasively, “Just answer a few questions about your village and its forces and all this pain will end.”

Tenten stared at his blurred face through one eye nearly blind with tears, the other gummed closed with blood from when they were carving out her eyebrow. She knew he’d love to have the excuse to hurt her more. This frightened her.

But she was more frightened by how badly she wanted to answer whatever they asked of her. Anything, anything to make it stop. It was through force of will alone that she kept the words caged inside of her as another round of questioning began.

Eventually they left her and she sagged against the chains, barely able to breathe. There was no longer hope of rescue, not after this long, in this place, and that knowledge was suddenly, horribly, freeing.

She worked her tongue inside her bloody mouth, searching for the small pill tucked between cheek and jaw. Idiots hadn’t thought to search her mouth, she thought with grim satisfaction as she bit down on the pill until the plastic casing popped and the bitter, burning poison was released. Wouldn’t take long now.

She really hoped Lee and Gai-sensei didn’t cry too much.

7) –A jilted love is not one of them.

“Sakura honey, we know you are upset, but please don’t do anything drastic!” Haruno-san called through the door to her daughter’s bedroom.

“Drastic?! He’s just getting married to someone else, why would I do anything drastic??” There was a clatter as something was knocked to the floor.

Haruno-san bit her lip and turned to her husband. “Oh, she’s so heartbroken! I’m really worried.”

Her husband frowned with concern and stepped around his wife to knock gently on the pink-painted door. “Sweetheart, why don’t you unlock the door and let us in? I can fix my special cocoa for you.”

There seemed to be pause inside the room, then something soft, presumably a pillow, went ‘fuwhuumb’ against the wall. “I’m fine! I just want to be alone!” Sakura’s voice broke slightly. “Go away!”

Haruno-san gasped at the pain in her only child’s voice and clutched onto her husband’s arm.

“She has all those knives in there,” she whispered fearfully. She really didn’t know much about being a ninja—she’d only attended the academy for one year for the basic self-defense training—but surely it was a bad idea to let impressionable young girls freely handle such dangerous items. Why, she’d just read a book about teenage depression and cutting and oooh, it made her blood run cold.

“Sakura, you open this door right now!” her husband said in his too-be-obeyed voice.

“Please, just leave me along for a while!”

Haruno-san couldn’t stand it and cried, “Baby, please, we love you! Don’t hurt yourself!!”

Another pause and suddenly the door flung open, showing Sakura puffy eyed and surprised. “Don’t what?!” she demanded in aggravated confusion.

Her parents didn’t respond; her mother taking the chance to enfold her in a supportive, teary embrace while her father pushed past them to begin scouring the room for all of Sakura’s ninja tools.

Sakura sighed, distracted from her distress over Sasuke’s recent engagement. Why couldn’t she have been born an orphan?

Iruka likes children–

The boy certainly didn’t look like a man-eating fox. There was dirt and snot on his chin and blood on his knees and a surly expression on his face, and all in all, he just looked like a lost little boy crying in an alleyway.

“What do you want?” he demanded, seeming to grow in size even though he didn’t uncurl from his tight huddle against the abandoned crate.

Iruka hesitated, fingers twitching against the handles of the plastic grocery bag he held over his shoulder. Of all the children in the village, this was the only one he avoided out of habit. It was just easier that way, to not have to face the questions the child presented simply by existing.

But that luxury would be going away soon, when he started teaching classes at the academy in the fall.

Bracing himself, Iruka stepped into the alley and crouched down in front of the boy. “I’m Iruka…Umino Iruka. One of the teachers at the ninja academy. You’re Naruto, aren’t you?”

The child’s eyes lit up at the word ninja. “Ye-yes! Uzumaki Naruto!” His expression turned wary again, lower lip thrusting out into a brazen pout. “What about it?”

Iruka trusted his senses a great deal; they were what kept him alive in the chuunin exams and subsequent missions. And now his senses were telling him that the being before him was not the frightening nightmare-image of the monster that tore his world apart, but a harmless, somewhat bratty wild child that shouldn’t be out on his own.

“Well, would you like me to walk you home? It’s getting late.”

Confusion crossed the dirty face. “I know the way home,” he said.

“I’m sure you do,” Iruka said, smiling cautiously, “But let me take you home anyway.”

Wonder smoothed out the scrunched up nose and forehead. “O-okay,” he stuttered, breathless with awe.

Iruka felt himself blushing at the strangely heart twisting adoration on the boy’s face. “Well, come on then.” He straightened up and shifted the grocery bag from one hand to the other.

“Yeah!” the boy chirped, bouncing to his feet in a flurry of energy and following adoringly at Iruka’s heels.

9) –but not like that–

“Iruka-sensei, Iruka-sensei!”

Iruka sealed the scroll he’d been rolling up and smiled down at his young student. “What is it Moegi?”

The auburn haired girl came to a stop by his desk and blushed prettily. “Umm, Iruka-sensei,” she said, shuffling her feet, “Here!” She brought her hands out from behind her back and thrust a folded up piece of yellow construction paper under his nose.

“Oh, what’s this?” Iruka asked, playfully curious. Moegi giggled; they both knew that he knew what it was, but it was fun to pretend. He took the paper from her hand and unfolded it.

The page was decorated with a green, brown, and black construction of lopsided circles, squiggly lines, and uneven squares. He could tell from the cluster of brown lines coming out from the top circle that it was supposed to be a picture of him. Scrawled messily across the bottom, it said, “Moegi likes Iruka-sensei!”

His expression softened into a gentle smile. “It’s wonderful, Moegi,” he said, holding it to his chest, “I’ll treasure it.”

Her big eyes glittered like falling stars. “Really?!”

“Oh yes. And want to know a secret?”

She nodded eagerly, the short ponytails tied on either side of her head bobbing, so he motioned her forward and leaned over in his chair to whisper in her ear. “Iruka-sensei likes Moegi too,” he said.

Clapping both hands to her scarlet cheeks and squeezing her eyes shut, Moegi let out a little “Eeee!” of delight. Without another word, she spun and ran back up the rows of desks to her two friends, both of whom gave her strange looks.

Iruka’s heart fairly melted. He really did love his job. Tucking the picture inside his desk to be put on the refrigerator later, he went back to grading papers.

10) –nor does this make him a whiny little girl–

“Archers!”

The warning cry came over the comms seconds before the volley of arrows appeared. Iruka was barely able to leap out of their way and even then one left a cut along his shoulder. He was going to jump back, out of range and safely into the trees, when he realized that his teammate had been hit.

Information continued to be announced over the comms. “–twenty-eight long-bowmen along the walls–”

Yoshiki was on his side; two arrows in his thigh and third in his flank above the hip. The bottom of Iruka’s stomach dropped out at the sight. He quickly checked the skies for oncoming attacks and then darted over to his friend.

“–at three-o’clock, the rest at twelve. Teams eight and five around the–“

Kneeling on the ground, Iruka applied pressure to the wound on Yoshiki’s side, trying to staunch the blood flow. There was no way to remove the arrow without doing further damage. The other chuunin’s face was pale, his lips pressed so tightly together they were turning white.

“Don’t worry, we’ll get you taken care of,” Iruka said seriously, “Just hold on.” Yoshiki nodded shakily and Iruka stood, sliding his hands under Yoshiki’s armpits. He began to drag the larger man to safety.

“–aiming! Take cover!–“

Shit!

He moved faster, feet skidding on dirt and gravel, snapping the arrows stuck in the ground around them. Yoshiki pushed along with his uninjured leg, trying to propel them out of range. It wasn’t fast enough.

“–volley!”

“Get down!”

Iruka didn’t have time to react before Yoshiki tripped him up, both of them hitting the soil in a tangle. Iruka had a wild thought–how the fucking hell was being on the ground supposed to protect them from–

–and then he was staring into Yoshiki’s pain widened eyes as his friend shielded him with his own body. One arrow struck Iruka’s hand, another opened a slice from his cheekbone to his ear, but Yoshiki took the rest, jerking with the shock of the hits.

“No, no!” Iruka gasped as the volley ended, franticly crawling out from under his teammate to help, heedless of his own wounds. The effort was useless; Yoshiki’s back was like a porcupines and he died with a bloody gurgle even as Iruka grabbed one arm and continued pulling him into the trees.

Iruka checked for his pulse anyways, not accepting it when he felt nothing. He ripped the arrow out of his own hand without thinking and was staggered by the sudden wave of agony. Clutching his wrist, he breathed through it, and began yanking the arrows out of Yoshiki’s back. If he could lay him flat…begin CPR…

“It’s alright, Yoshiki-kun, its alright,” he said rapidly, “Just hold on, I’ll…”

“–retreat and regroup! All cells, retreat–“

Iruka froze at the order, staring at the blood on his hands, the blood on Yoshiki. Wiping the blur from his eyes so he could see the way, he lifted Yoshiki’s arm over his shoulders and hauled him back to the gathering point, so as not to leave his body behind for the enemy.

11) –and people really need to stop implying that girls act that way.

Shikamaru shifted slightly against the dirty straw as the thick wood-and-metal door swung open with a bang. He didn’t bother to stand or even sit up. If they wanted to slap him around again, they were going to have to move him themselves.

Besides, he would probably throw up if he did.

Heavy boots clunked over the stone floor and keys jangled as the iron bars were unlocked. “Well, well, look at this slug,” said the deep, gravelly voice of one of his guards. The one that liked to punch him in the stomach.

Shikamaru’s eyebrow twitched.

“I think you need to be punished more,” the guard continued, steps crackling over the straw now, “In fact, I think its time for the ribbons and lace treatment. You’d look fetching in a dress.”

…what the…

“Ino?” he asked, grimacing at the scratchiness of his voice, and finally opened his eyes. The…profoundly unfortunate looking guard grinned down at him with teeth like a falling down fence. “You’ve gained weight.”

“Looking very nice yourself, thanks,” she said dryly, crouching down next to him, “What an idiot, I still can’t believe you got caught. Can you sit up?”

Shikamaru considered it. “I’ll vomit.”

“Nice,” she grunted, putting her massive hand under his neck and levering him up, “Aim thataway.”

He did while she supported him. Spots were dancing in front of his eyes when he finished and Ino wasted no time in unlocking the shackles around his ankles.

“Lets get going; I don’t want to spend any more time in ugly here than I have too. I bet this monster hasn’t bathed in years,” she complained, hoisting him up into her arms.

Shikamaru flinched as he was settled on his sore stomach over her shoulder. “Tell me about it,” he said, the smell not doing much to help his nausea or the spinning in his head.

She carried him to the door and down the long corridor beyond it, heading to where presumably; Chouji was waiting with her body.

After several minutes, Shikamaru asked, “You’re never going to let me forget this, are you?”

The guard had a very nasty laugh.

12) It would be difficult to marry into a Konoha ninja clan.

A)

She doesn’t know when Hinata started flinching every time she lifted her hand in the girl’s direction. Or when the cheerfully bright voice dropped into a trembling whisper, or when soft crying came from behind a closed screen door instead of being brought to her.

Sometimes she likes to fool herself into thinking that it was always there; just another aspect of her gentle daughter’s personality. She herself had been a shy child before blossoming under the combined efforts of her mother and grandmother, maturing into a woman with the fortitude to become a wife of the Hyuuga clan head.

But then Hinata coughs into her napkin and fails to hide it before the speckle of blood can be seen. Or can’t use her left arm for weeks because the muscles in it have been so badly damaged, or shakes like a leaf in the wind whenever her father is near, or turns red and clumsy fingered in response to something her mother just can’t see…

She’s tried talking about it. “Husband,” she’ll say, seated next to him on her knees in their bedroom, or more rarely with her unbound hair spread across his bare chest, “This sort of training isn’t good for our daughter. There must be other ways to teach her to be head of the clan.”

But always his answer is the same. “The Hyuuga cannot allow weakness.”

So she doesn’t remember when Hinata became afraid. But she remembers when Hinabi became strong, like clay hardening in the intense heat of the kiln. She remembers bruises and bleeding born with pride not shame, and a sharply angled chin–just like the father, so little of the mother there–lifted in adult-like self-confidence. She remembers Hinata being turned aside, left to train and struggle on her own.

And when she can escape the all-seeing eyes of the family she has bound herself to, she cries for being grateful of this.

B)

“Kiba is where?”

Her husband glanced idly at the massive, snoozing pile of very large dogs. “In there, somewhere,” he said, making a vague gesture and returning to his scroll, “Don’t worry about it.”

“Don’t worry?” she fairly shrieked, fists knotting up, “He could be smothered in there! Or get scratched or get dirty or get fleas!”

Several huskies and a mastiff made offended noises at this and her husband looked hurt. “Love, do you honestly think I’d let our only son play with the pack if I thought they would hurt him? He’s fine! Why,” he began, getting the fond, boyish smile that had attracted her to him in the first place, “When I was three, I spent almost the entire summer sleeping out in the kennel, and never once–“

“I don’t care what you did!” she quickly interrupted what promised to be a fairly long trip into the past, “I care about what our son is doing and I don’t want him buried under a bunch of dogs who are still dogs not matter how smart they are! Take him out now!”

Sighing and looking hurt again, he stood up and began wading his way through the congregation of furry bodies. They made no attempt to move out of his way, of course, merely groaning or growling as he shoved and pushed his way through. She clenched her hands together, experiencing a surge of anxiety at the thought of him stepping on Kiba before finding the boy.

“Ah,” he said mildly, pausing somewhere in the middle of the pile and leaning over. He dragged out a stocky toddler that had been hidden in the thick belly fur of a golden retriever. “See, just fine!” he continued, holding the drowsy eyed Kiba up by his left ankle.

Kiba yawned and then sneezed, a small cloud of white hairs being expelled from his face in the action.

His mother went red and began to shake.

“Um…honey? Something wrong?”

13) Practical clothing is a must.

“No, Sakura,” Kakashi said after a long while, having finally completed his slow once-over of his student’s new apparel. His mind kept blanking out on the part between her neck and her knees, forcing him to try again. Thirteen year olds were not supposed to have hips like that and the fact that he even noticed horrified him immensely. “You can’t wear that on missions.”

“It’s just for today, Kakashi-sensei,” she said reassuringly, tilting her head so that the ridiculously long earrings brushed her shoulders, “Don’t you think I look nice?” She turned around to show the low cut back and gazed coyly over her shoulder.

That she aimed said look at the thoroughly disgusted Sasuke and not Kakashi was the only saving grace of the expression. As it was, Kakashi still had the inexplicable urge to knock the boy over and dig his eyes out with kunai.

“Nice or not, Sakura, you can’t wear something that–“Puts your teacher’s sanity at risk? Distracts at least one of your teammates to the point that he looks ready to wet himself with joy? (Naruto was also in danger of having his eyes removed at this point) Could be torn off by the merest breeze and make a bad situation that much worse? “–impedes upon your ability to complete your duties,” he concluded smoothly.

For a moment she looked frustrated and annoyed, but it was quickly replaced with a pout that was thankfully much more childish then what a considerably older and more experienced woman would produce. “Kakashi-sensei, I can still fight just fine in this dress. See?”

She started to lift her leg in what he was sure would be a nicely executed high kick, but he missed it because that ridiculously short skirt rose even higher with the motion and so he quickly switched his attention to some trees in the distance.

As a result, he didn’t get to see what it was that caused Sakura to let out a sudden shriek, but he did look back in time to watch as a fist sized rock laid Naruto out flat.

“Pervert!” she yelled, red-faced and panting with fury. Kakashi raised his eyebrow. Obviously whatever had happen was not a reaction she’d expect to get.

“Sakura,” he said with affected playfulness. “Go home and change. We’ll wait for you.”

She took one last forlorn look at Sasuke–who’d added impatience to disgust but was otherwise unmoved–shot a furious glare at the still on the ground Naruto, and let out a long sigh. “Yes, sensei.”

14) All things being possible, ninja prepare for everything they can.

“So. You believed he was taking you up to his room to discuss -”

Shino paused and a single eyebrow arched like a spring-loaded caterpillar.

” - Dog breeding.”

Kiba spat out a mouthful of toothpaste and spun on his teammate, pointing his toothbrush menacingly at the unimpressed Aburame. “Look, he raises ‘em okay! An’ I was giving ‘im advice an’ it wasn’t like we didn’t need to get into his room anyhow!”

“I’m certain you had a valid reason,” Shino said in such a flat tone it was impossible to tell if he was being serious or sarcastic. Not being able to see most of his face didn’t help much.

Kiba bristled anyway, turning back to the sink and squeezing out another thick coil of toothpaste to cleanse his mouth with. “‘S just not right,” he mumbled, cheeks once again flushing under his tattoos, “For ‘em to send us into a mission like that without knowin’ … ”

The words were cut off as Kiba returned to industrious scrubbing. Shino remained silent for several minutes, before clearing his throat and saying, “If you read the mission parameters, they very specifically outlined why they were sending in two under-aged, dark haired, rugged looking boys on this mission.”

Kiba choked on the water and spent sometime gagging and coughing. Shino watched helpfully. “It didn’t–”

“It did. Maybe if you prepare yourself better, next time you won’t be so surprised when some man sticks his tongue down your - ”

Kiba snatched up his weapon’s pouch and chased Shino out of the bathroom.

15) -but there things for which nothing can ready you.

It was a black shoe, with pink laces tied into a lopsided bow. All Kurenai could think when she saw it was, “Oh it’s so small.” Small enough to fit into the cup of her hand if she were to try and hold it; almost as small as than the tiny fingers that had to have worked so hard to knot the ends of the laces together.

The white stockings they had been fitted over were shoved down around skinny legs, stained with dirt and fluid, but the small shoes were only scuffed a little around the toes. They were obviously very new, like the now tattered red and pink dress pushed up under pale underarms; a gift, or a special treat, for proper young lady.

At a sound behind her, Kurenai turned around part way, using her body as a shield. “Wait! Give me a chance to cover her.”

Her partner dutifully gave his back to the scene Kurenai was guarding, but didn’t leave. “You can’t yet, we need to take pictures first.”

She forcibly choked on the sound of fury and horror that tried to claw its way out of her throat. “There can’t be pictures of her like this, she’s only a - ”

“A body at a crime scene, solider,” came the sharp interruption of her statement. He took a breath and continued more gently, “I understand, Kurenai, but there’s only so much the rest of the team can gather from the surroundings and the body. They need to know how the perpetrator left everything.”

Kurenai released the tight coil of her fingers, making herself breathe, settling the swimming feeling in her head. Too deep a breath brought the scent of blood and the rotting trash of the alley. She held her fingers, tan and calloused, above the scuffed end of a small, polished black shoe.

“Let me take them,” she said finally, in voice that shook towards the end.

Without turning around, her partner handed her the camera.